


Raki in Claymoreland

by Dany_le_fou



Category: Claymore (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Humor, No Plot/Plotless, Out of Character, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 12,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24075583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dany_le_fou/pseuds/Dany_le_fou
Summary: When you see a strange rabbit lose her sword, DON'T try to follow it to give it back. Just ask Raki. 'Alice in Wonderland' parody.





	1. Into the rabbit hole

**Disclaimer** : I don’t own anything.

()()()()

“Gotta train… Gotta get stronger… so I can kill her…”

Raki was woken up from his nap under a tree at the voice. It was a beautiful day, and he had decided to take a break from his sword practice, eventually falling asleep until he was roused by…

A woman?

A woman with silver eyes and blonde hair in a bob haircut, and white rabbit-like ears, to be more accurate. She was covered with short white fur that gave the illusion of clothing.

Oh, and she was carrying a huge sword on her back.

Raki pinched himself to check if he was dreaming. Nope.

“Excuse me, who are you?” he asked the strange rabbit-like female who paused and looked at him.

“There is no need to tell you my name, you would forget it soon anyway.” she replied coldly.

Okay, looks like she had a chip on her shoulder. He was about to introduce himself when she shrieked.

“ACK! I’m late! Late for training… training to get stronger…”

The White Rabbit left in a hurry. Raki looked down and saw she had dropped her sword and called after her. “Hey! You forgot your sword!”

Unfortunately she didn’t seem to hear him, or to notice the missing weapon. Damn, what good are those ears if she doesn’t listen? And how can she not see she’s missing a sword almost as big as her? Being the nice guy he was, Raki picked up the weapon and ran after the Rabbit.

Many times he thought he’d lose her as he chased through the woods, but he always managed to catch a glimpse of white that let him know where she was. If it was a horror story, he’d end up on a dark path with no way back, and the cute woman would turn into a man-eating monster, or worse a sex-starved monster who’d have her way with the poor young man.

But he was not in a horror story, right?

Seeing the Rabbit disappear into a hole at the base of a tree, he followed without hesitation.

Only to fall in a bottomless pit behind the hole.

###### Author note : 

To make it clear, there is no real connection with the claymore storyline, this is purely parody. You can already guess the Claymore characters will all play roles from Alice in Wonderland, based on their personalities (feel free to guess), and I’ll slip a few original moments as well as references to the most memorable incidents/lines/quirks in the series. Don't expect anything serious here, this is meant to be wacky fun.


	2. Down the drain

Actually the pit have a bottom. Raki knew because he eventually reached it, coincidentally on his own bottom.

“OUCH!” he yelled as he rubbed his sore behind. Luckily nothing was broken. Looking up, he yelped and moved out of the way.

*THUNK*

The Rabbit’s sword fell, point first, just where his crotch had been two seconds ago. He also noticed it was embedded at least ten inches deep into the wooden floor.

After picking it up, he looked around. At first he saw no exit, until he looked down and saw a tiny door near his feet. Of course he was over six feet too big to fit. With a sigh, he resumed his examination until his eyes fell on a normal-sized table, with a bottle on it. Near the bottle was a note saying ‘Drink me’.

“Why not?” he mused, after all, what was the worst that could happen?

Of course he missed the key that was laying at the other end of the table, which would bite him in the ass very soon. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Downing the fruity beverage, nothing happened first, then his body began to tingle all over. Then the table seemed to get bigger, until he realized the truth.

HE was getting shorter.

“What the hell?”

Wait, his voice was not supposed to be so high-pitched. And the Rabbit’s sword, which had shrunk too, was now heavier.

“Don’t tell me…” he groaned as he checked himself.

Yup, he was back to being a short scrawny kid whose most notable trait was crying while shouting a random woman’s name.

Raki barely managed to stifle a sob. It wasn’t fair damn it! Do you know how long it had taken him to grow out of his crybaby phase? He wiped his eyes before tears could fall and walked to the door.

It was locked. With a note saying ‘Key’s on the table sucker!’.

Looking up, he could see the ring of a key over the edge of the table. A key he could no longer reach, or make fall down to the floor. So he did the only thing he could.

“BWAAAAAAH!!!!”

He cried.

And he wanted to shout a woman’s name. What was it already? He thought it started with a C… He couldn’t remember.

So he cried some more.

Hey, he had been a crybaby of epic proportions as a kid. In fact, within seconds the water from his tears reached his ankles. Then his knees. Then his chest.

“Hey! I’ve stopped crying! Where is this water coming from?” he shouted, now swimming in the water, while struggling not to cry again.

Somehow, he saw that the Rabbit’s sword was floating. And next to it, a small plate with a cake with frosting saying ‘Eat me’.

“Oh well, it can’t get worse I guess.” he mumbled as he ate the cake. Seconds later, Raki was back to his manly adult self. Now at least he didn’t want to cry without any reason. The water was still there and he was still swimming though.

Suddenly there was a plumbing noise, like a toilet being flushed. A whirlpool formed in the water, soon sucking him into a drain.

()()()()

Somewhere else, the Mad Writer whistled cheerfully as he washed his hands and exited the toilet.


	3. The Apple Huntress and the Dodo

‘Nope, still not a dream.’ Raki groaned upon waking up on the shore of a lake in the middle of nowhere. This was confirmed by the Rabbit’s (damn he really needed to get her name) sword somehow resting next to him. Picking it up, again, he was about to move to the path leading to an adjoining forest when he was greeted by someone.

“Hello.” One of the two women who had seen him gave him a friendly wave. “I am Helen, the Apple Huntress, and this,” she pointed to the aloof-looking woman with tomboyish short hair, “is Deneve the Dodo.”

“The Dodo?” Raki repeated confusedly. “Why is she called that?”

“Because she gets mad when we call her DD, but Dodo is okay for some reason.” Helen replied. “Don’t ask.”

“O… kay…” Raki drew the word, trying to make head or tails of the situation. First he was in a room which was being filled with his tears, then he was flushed and nearly drowned, and finally washed ashore on a lake. Not for the first time, he pinched himself and, upon confirming his situation hadn’t changed, gave up. “Do you know where I could find the White Rabbit? She lost her sword and I must give it back to her.”

“Sorry, I don’t.” Helen apologized. “Any ideas Deneve?”

“The Rabbit…” Deneve started, then before anyone could react…

*RIIIIPPPP*

… she tore her shirt off, revealing her bare chest. Raki’s eyes bulged out and Helen groaned.

“Look. This is what our bodies are like. Me, Helen and of course, the Rabbit you seek. So if you find her, and can accept her for what she is, then I want you to hug her with all your strength.” Deneve finished.

“Deneve!” Helen shouted.

“What? He needs to know.”

“”Except that you DON’T have a massive stitched up wound running from throat to crotch! So stop doing that!”

“I don’t…” Deneve looked down at her athletic torso, which, as Helen said, sported nothing except a pair of very impressive feminine assets.

“I don’t have a…” she repeated.

Oh, she was baring them in front of a rather handsome young man who was still struck speechless.

Silence, then…

“KYAAHHHHH!!” Deneve shrieked girlishly and closed her eyes, trying to hide her breasts with her left arm even as her right reared back, before swinging at Raki who was too shocked to avoid the megaton punch.

Without looking back, Deneve then ran away, Helen following her after throwing a quick ‘sorry’ to the nearly-unconscious man.

Raki tried to process what had just happened, but the only thing that ran through his mind was : “DDs.”

()()()()

###### Author note :

First encounter in the Claymoreland, and a small taste of what Raki will have to go through. Of course I had to use Deneve’s dramatic shirt-ripping scene. As for Helen, I gave her an original role because you can’t have one without the other, and I found it fun to make her the voice of reason for once.


	4. Creepy twins and creepy caterpillar

After recovering his senses (damn Deneve had a wicked right hook), Raki proceeded through the forest. He had no idea where he was or where he could find the Rabbit, so he hoped someone would help him. Soon he came upon a pair of figures.

“Hello, huh, misses.” he greeted them.

Indeed they were women, identical twins to boot, tall with long blond hair and silver eyes, clad in form-fitting black suits. They gave him a blank stare, no emotion appearing on their beautiful impassive faces.

“I’m sorry to bother you…”

No reply.

“But could you help me, please?” he asked politely.

They blinked. He took that for a yes.

“I’m looking for the White Rabbit. Do you know…”

Before he could finish, they both raised their right arm and pointed. In opposite directions.

“What the…”

One of the twins pointed up, while the other pointed down.

“Never mind.” he sighed before resuming his trek.

Behind him, the twins shared a look and a made the same sign : left thumb and index forming a circle, and poking their right index through it repeatedly.

At least they agreed on something.

()()()()

“So, you didn’t experience any side-effects from that potion you drank earlier?” the strange caterpillar-like creature asked with a creepy tone. Then again, everything about it was creepy, especially the fact that half its face was missing its skin, leaving the muscle underneath bare. He was also the creator of the potion and the cake Raki had swallowed earlier.

“No. Look, could you just tell me…”

“No increased abilities? No physical mutation? No increased aggressiveness?” Dae the Caterpillar listed.

“No.”

“No hallucinations?”

“I’m starting to wonder…”

“And no strange cravings? For, say, human guts?”

Raki’s eyebrow twitched.

“It’s not something as corny as ‘willpower’ I hope.” he mumbled before a new theory struck him. “Did a strange woman shove her arm through your back? Or maybe you derive power from your hatred and self-loathing?”

Both of Raki’s eyebrows twitched.

“Damn! I thought I had gotten it right this time.” Dae scowled, which made it look like the rest of his face was about to fall off. “Oh, sorry, it’s just been a while I had a male test subject.”

“Test… subject?”

“Yes, usually I experiment on little girls and women’s corpses. Plenty of fun. Well, the corpses don’t scream, so it’s not quite as fun, but more quiet.”

Three seconds later, Dae’s head was separated from his body. Raki hoped the Rabbit wouldn’t be mad at him for getting her sword dirty, but the sicko just had to die.

“Geez, honestly, what’s wrong with this place? What’s next? A guy complimenting me on my musculature?” Raki grumbled as he hacked the rest of the body to pieces.

()()()()

Somewhere, a man with a scruffy beard sneezed violently.

“Hey Chronos, you all right?”

“Yeah Lars. By the way, have you been working out lately?”

“Sometimes I really think you’re gay.”


	5. Give it back!

Raki kept walking down the path, hoping he’d finally find a remotely sane person soon. As luck would have it, yet another pair of women crossed his path.

“THIEF!” One of them shouted.

“What?”

“MINE! IT’S MINE!” the long-haired one with a single bang over her forehead jumped at him, trying to snatch the sword he was carrying.

“It’s not! It’s the Rabbit’s! I’m trying to give it back!” Raki defended as he moved away.

“LIAR! YOU STOLE IT! YOU STOLE MY PRECIOUS!” Now the woman was drawing the ‘s’, making it sound like she was hissing.

“I’m sorry, you see, she always throws her sword, then she goes nuts until she gets it back. We were actually looking for it.” her pig-tailed companion supplied.

“GIVE IT BACK! MY PRECIOUSSSSS!”

“Calm down Yuma! You can see it’s not your sword!” Cynthia the Nurse tried to calm her friend/patient down.

“NO! MINE!” Yuma snarled, eyes gleaming gold and foaming at the mouth, stalking near Raki who was understandably freaked out.

“A bit of help, please?” Raki begged as he cautiously backed away.

“If I could just find her sword… It should be nearby…” Cynthia said, looking around and searching the bushes.

“Give… It… Back…” Yuma chanted ominously, looking like she wanted to rip off his guts and feed on them.

By now Raki had climbed up a tree to escape the rabid animal… errr, Yuma. “Hurry up, please. She’s trying to chew the tree down.” ‘Geez, is she a beaver?’ he thought.

“There it is!” Cynthia shouted triumphantly, lifting a sword similar to the Rabbit’s. “Yumaaaa, look what I found.” she cooed.

Yuma turned her head and saw the sword, immediately forgetting about Raki. Cynthia quickly jumped away as Yuma tackled the weapon and began stroking it lovingly.

“My preciousssss.” she purred, then…

“Oh my God! Is she actually humping that sword?” Raki asked in disbelief after climbing down from the tree.

Suggestive panting and moaning began to be heard from Yuma. Both Cynthia and Raki blushed.

“Sorry about that. By the way, if you’re looking for the Rabbit, I think she is at the Duchess’ home. Just follow the path and you’ll get there.” Cynthia said.

“Oh finally! Thank you! Thank you!” Raki cried manly tears and hugged the blushing Nurse hard. He then looked at Yuma, who was now standing in a peculiar stance.

“What is she…”

“YUMAAAA... THROWWW!” The sword Yuma had been holding disappeared above the trees. Then she realized what she’d just done. “NO! MY PRECIOUS!” she screamed as she ran after it. Luckily for Raki, she had thrown it in the opposite direction from where he was going, so she wouldn’t set her eyes on him again.

“Not again.” Cynthia groaned before following.

###### Author note :

more original roles, I didn’t know how to fit Yuma and Cynthia until I listened to a LOTR parody and remembered Yuma’s habit of throwing her sword. So yeah, she became a parody of Golum on caffeine. It seemed fitting somehow.


	6. My name is...

Finally Raki reached his destination, as the Nurse had said. It was a nice, remote wooden cottage in a clearing, definitely not the place where a Duchess would live, but as long as he found the Rabbit, he didn’t care.

His knock at the door was answered by the person he had been looking for, though she still seemed in a hurry.

“What do you want? Hurry up! I must find my sword… then I must train…” she rambled, looking ready to bolt again.

“Actually I have your sword.” Raki supplied. “Sorry about the blood stains though, I had to kill a big nasty caterpillar and – mmpphhh!” Raki’s sentence was interrupted by the rabbit-like woman tackling and kissing him. Not a ‘thank you’ peck mind you, but a full tonsil examination with her tongue which lasted five good minutes.

This had to be the best way to be asphyxiated to death, ever.

Finally she broke the lip lock and smiled, a smile so beautiful it made all his misadventures worth it. “Oh thank you! Now I can train again… then I’ll be able to kill…”

“Right… now, would you finally tell me your name?” Raki asked.

“Why? You will forget it soon anyway.” she said, returning to her cold persona.

“Look, I’ve fallen down a hole, nearly broken my tailbone, almost drowned, been flashed, asked questions by a creepy caterpillar with an obsession with little girls and corpses, and eaten by a rabid beaver… after that, do you think I’ll ever forget your name?” the young man deadpanned.

Now would have been a good moment for the Rabbit to turn on her heel and leave into the sunset while dropping her name in a dramatic and incredibly cool manner. Except there was no sunset, and turning around would bring her back into the house. So instead she settled for a meek :

“Oh. Well, my name is Clare.”

Definitely not as cool, well, actually kind of lame, but Raki was happy with it. The bright smile he gave her was proof and drew a cute blush from her pale face.

“Nice to meet you Clare. I’m Raki.”

“You’re welcome.” she hesitated. “We were about to have lunch… would you join us?” Clare offered.

“I’d like that, but I wouldn’t want to intrude. I was told this is the Duchess’ house. Won’t she be mad?”

Now past her bashful moment, Clare quickly dragged Raki inside. “Oh, she won’t mind. And don’t worry, she’s armless anyway.”

“Harmless?”

“No, ARMless. Well, it does make her harmless too I guess.”

Raki blinked, but before he could question further, a woman with her hair in a long braid, pointy ears, and a slightly insane gleam in her eyes poked her head through a door. On her head rested a chef’s hat.

“Finally! The fresh supply of guts has arrived” she cheered.

###### Author note :

Finally Raki found Clare the White Rabbit. But his misadventures are far from over *evil laugh* You should guess which characters will appear next.


	7. The gutsy cook

“Ophelia, this is a guest, not the fresh guts.” Clare sighed like this was an old argument.

“Oh! I thought…” Ophelia the Cook turned to Raki. “Are you delivering the fresh supply of guts?” 

“Huh, no?” 

“Are you the fresh supply of guts?” she asked, appraisingly looking straight at Raki’s stomach area.

“Definitely not!”

“He’s a guest.” Clare repeated.

“He could be both you know.” Ophelia suggested. “He does look delicious after all.”

As Clare tried to think of a comeback (she was having some interesting thoughts herself, and the feeling of his rock-hard body against hers had been extremely pleasant), a new voice was heard.

“Ophelia, not everyone shares your obsession with guts.” A tall blonde-haired pointy-eared woman came in. Her most distinguishing feature however was that she had no arms.

“You mean you don’t share it _yet_.” Ophelia countered. “Don’t worry, you will someday… Mmmm, nice, firm, yummy guts… By the way, the guts stew with guts sauce will be ready soon, and the guts cake is in the oven. Would you like something to drink in the meantime? Water with a slice of guts? Guts juice? Tea with guts appetizers?”

“Ophelia, will you ever learn a recipe that does not involve guts?” Irene the Duchess asked tiredly.

“Hey! The Queen loved my recipes!” Ophelia shouted. “But you don’t! You refuse to eat anything I prepare for you! All those delicious guts wasted!”

Clare gritted her teeth at the mention of the Queen, and Raki heard her mutter something like ‘kill her’.

“Then why are you working here?” he asked curiously.

“I added too much pepper once. Once! And she went all ‘Off with her guts!’ so I had to run. Irene needed a cook since she can’t do it herself and here I am.” Ophelia stated.

“... Sorry to hear that.”

“Don't be!” Ophelia grinned mischievously. “I kinda poach for guts a bit in her cattle reserve.”

“YOU WHAT?” Clare shouted. “This is a crime! She could have your head for that!”

Ophelia shrugged innocently. “It’s only a crime if you turn yourself in, or if you get caught. I am extremely careful not to leave any witnesses... err, sorry, to avoid witnesses.”

“Why is it so bad?” Raki asked. “What’s so special about her cattle? Is it some rare species or something?”

“Of course they are! The Queen’s reserve is the only supply of MIBs in the entire kingdom! I only get the best for myse… err, the Duchess.”

“And what are MIBs exactly? Cows? Sheep? Pigs?” 

“Oh no, MIBs is short for Men In Black.” Ophelia giggled.

“Oh, sure, Men In Black, stupid me.” Raki suddenly turned green, remembering what was cooking in the kitchen. “Wait! Men in Black as in, men wearing black? YOU’RE COOKING HUMAN GUTS!” He turned to the Duchess and the Rabbit.

“We don’t eat them.” Irene stated calmly.

“ _Not yet_!” Ophelia giggled in a sing-song voice, ignoring Irene’s glare. “And they're not men, they're MIBs!”

“You said it means Men In Black!” Raki shouted back.

“I know what I said!”

“Then they’re men!”

“No they’re not! They’re cattle!”

The argument was interrupted by a loud banging at the door.


	8. Rabbit fight (1/2)

Having excused herself to open the door, Ophelia came back followed by another rabbit-eared woman, this one with wild fur, spiky hair and a large x-shaped scar on her face. She was walking with difficulty, which was explained by a mouse-eared woman clinging to her right leg. Against all logic, the clinging female was asleep all the while. Occasional moans of “Captain” could be heard from her.

Miria the March Hare had arrived, literally and unwillingly dragging Tabitha the Dormouse with her.

“I thought you were at the Mad Writer’s.” Irene said questioningly.

Miria shuddered in response. “He’s gotten into a writing frenzy and locked himself in. Something about a poor sod being dragged into an insane world. I preferred not to stay.”

“That bad?” Ophelia asked, offering Miria a plate of guts cookies.

“We could hear him cackling from the outside.” Miria deadpanned, pointedly ignoring the cookies.

“That bad.” Irene confirmed.

In the meantime, Ophelia had fetched a crowbar and was now trying to pry Tabitha from Miria. “Can’t I just cut off her arms?” she grunted through her exertion.

“No.” Irene merely answered.

“Pretty please? With guts on top?” Ophelia pouted.

“Zzzzz… Captaaaiinnnnnn…” the sleeping mouse wailed when the operation was finally successful, never waking up even as she tried to get to Miria again in her sleep.

Raki pointed at Clare, then at Miria. “Wait… you’re both rabbits. Isn’t it a bit redundant?”

Both aforementioned rabbits, err, women blinked.

“We never thought about it…” Clare started.

“Indeed. Who IS the true heroine of the Claymoreland?” Miria finished. They shared a look, and you could almost see a lightning bolt between the two. The Clare VS Miria debate was on!

“Well, I am of course.” Clare said. “Without my quest for revenge this story wouldn’t even exist.”

“Oh yeah,” Miria mocked back, “how is it going so far? You have yet to fight her after all.”

“I did fight her once!” Clare hissed.

“And how did it end? Oh yeah, you got your ass handed to you.”

“Like your first attempt against the Organization was better. What’s your strong point already? Group tactics. And did you do? Charge in alone! Talk about dumb!”

“At least I succeeded in the end AND I freed our kin.”

“It just means they no longer need you to fill in for me. Admit it, your time in the spotlight is over, especially since I’m back!” Clare smirked.

“Back from a blob of fossilized poop, from which you emerged naked because some random guy was crying your name. What was his name anyway?”

“You’re just jealous that no one would scream _your_ name.” Clare challenged.

“Zzzz… Captain… Right here...” Tabitha giggled lecherously in her sleep.

“And YOU are jealous that my boobs are bigger than yours!” Miria shouted.

“That was random.” Ophelia commented. Raki took a comparative glance and had to admit, Miria had a distinct advantage over all the women present.

Deneve might be bigger though.

“Sounds like a line an author wanted an excuse to use.” Irene mused.

Obviously Clare didn’t take the crack at her bust size well. “Okay,” she hissed, drawing her sword, “this means WAR!”


	9. Rabbit fight (2/2)

Thunderclouds brewed above the Duchess’ house as the tension between the White Rabbit and the March Hare reached its peak.

“I’m going to enjoy shoving your face into the dirt. But you’re used to it, right?” Miria taunted.

“Big words from a big mouth, maybe I’ll cut off your arms so you’ll have to use it to hold your sword instead. But you’re used to it, right?”

“That’s it. You and me, no holds barred, winner takes all.” Miria growled.

“The strongest rabbit… the true heroine of the Claymoreland… the one who gets the new hot guy…”

“It will now be decided as it should be…”

“IN MORTAL KOMBAT!!!” With that, both Rabbits lunged at each other and the battle was joined.

The Hare could move faster, but the Rabbit had better reaction time and sword speed. Clare couldn’t touch Miria, but Miria couldn’t come near Clare.

Between the Phantom and the Quicksword, the living room was destroyed within seconds.

“DAMN IT! NO TECHNIQUES INSIDE THE HOUSE!!” Irene shouted angrily. “Do you have any idea how difficult it is to fix things up without arms?!”

*CRASH*

As if on cue, the house was given a new door when both rabbits crashed through the wall into a conveniently-placed pool of jelly.

“Why is there a jelly pit here?” Raki asked.

“I didn’t _know_ there was a jelly pit.” Irene replied. “Who’d put a jelly pit under my window anyway? And why jelly? I’d understand mud, but jelly?”

“Who cares about that? Now, if it was a guts pit on the other hand…” Ophelia pouted.

By now the swords had been discarded. The rabbit-fight went on hand to hand. Grinning evilly, Miria shoved Clare’s head into the jelly before Clare managed to return the favor. Both women were now rolling around, attempting to pin each other down even as their chests heaved with ragged breaths and their bodies glistened alluringly with the slippery substance.

“Somebody separate them!” Raki begged, afraid they’d get hurt even though a part of him was thoroughly enjoying the jelly-wrestling match between the two beautiful, nearly-naked women, and committing it to memory. “Duchess?” he called, yet without looking away.

“How am supposed to do that without arms?”

“Cook?”

“Come on!” Ophelia cheered. “Spill her guts!” Who she was cheering remained unknown.

“Dormouse?”

“Zzzzz… Captaaainnnnnn….” Tabitha moaned in her sleep, her hand doing… something between her legs.

Irene turned to Raki. “You should be more worried about yourself you know.” Seeing his puzzled look, she continued. “Didn’t you hear? Whoever wins gets the hot guy. And neither of them has gotten any in years. Speaking of which, we haven’t either.” she muttered the last part to herself.

“Don’t forget they’re _rabbits_!” Ophelia giggled.

Raki didn’t get the clue. “Yeah, whoever he is, I pity the guy.” He said obliviously. He then saw the pointed looks he was receiving. “Wait… you don’t mean…”

Irene nodded at the still-wrestling women. “I’d start running if I were you.”

In a display of intelligence or just survival instinct, Raki excused himself. “Well, I just wanted to give Clare’s sword back, so I’ll be, you know, leaving, _right now_. Give them my regards.” Following the Duchess’ advice, he ran out of the house, though not without sneaking one last glance at the fight.

“This… This is insanity! THIS IS MADNESS!” he screamed as he ran.

And from nowhere, a disembodied voice shouted back : “Madness? THIS! IS! CLAYMORELAND!”


	10. Children, brunettes and towels... oh my!

After reaching his goal of giving Clare’s sword back, Raki found out he had another problem : how the hell would he go back home? He had no idea where the Claymoreland was supposed to be, how he had gotten there, and more importantly, where the exit was. The only thing to do was ask someone, though there was no way he was going back to the Duchess’ for directions.

“Come back here!” a female voice shouted behind him.

“I don’t wanna!” a child replied.

Just as he was about to turn around, Raki was tackled and used as a shield. One of the voices, now facing him, was identified as a cute silver-eyed brunette whose modesty was only covered by a _very_ small towel. With a blush, the young man averted his eyes and, looking at the person hiding behind him, he saw a ten years old girl who wasn’t even wearing a towel, her face half-hidden under her long blond hair.

“Miata, come take a bath!”

“Who…”

“I’m Clarice the Colorhead, this is Miata the Berserker. She’s made me chase after her through the entire village, the marketplace, the church, the forest and the Duchess’ home… all because she doesn’t want to take a bath!”

‘And you did that just wearing a towel?’ Raki thought.

“I hate baths!”

“Come on, it’s just a…” Raki started but he was interrupted by Miata’s yell.

“I…” Miata grabbed Raki with both hands by the back of his shirt. “HATE…” Then the tiny child lifted the young adult above her head. “BATHS!” She then threw him at Clarice before running away.

Raki’s forehead collided with Clarice’s, sending them crashing down. The pair tumbled to the ground and rolled several times, ending in a tangle of limbs.

Clarice groaned in pain as she regained her bearings, propping herself on one hand while the other grabbed her head in an attempt to soothe the migraine. Opening her eyes she couldn’t see the man Miata had used as a projectile.

Then more sensations reached her brain.

The first being a hand on her right breast.

Then another hand on her butt.

Followed by a pair of squeezes.

And finally a warm breath lightly tickling her nether regions.

A flash of white in front of her, and a towel which looked strangely like hers gracefully fluttered to the ground. She then looked down and her silver orbs met Raki’s brown hair, most of his face hidden between her shapely thighs.

Dead silence.

Meanwhile Raki’s addled brain commanded his hands to squeeze in an attempt to recognize their surroundings. The feeling of something warm, firm and wonderfully soft was transmitted and processed. He also felt something small and hard poking the middle of his right hand, and growing a little harder as he squeezed. All fuzziness fled from Raki’s brain and his eyes shot open. The first thing his gaze met was a close view of Clarice’s exposed womanhood, then it slowly travelled up her (very attractive) body to rest on her cute face.

Yep, this time he had gotten an eyeful and not one but _two_ handfuls.

He absentmindedly squeezed again.

It felt very nice.

Raki offered a prayer to Yuuki Rito, God of accidental perverts and compromising positions.

Clarice offered a prayer to Naru Narusegawa, Goddess of offended females and the megaton punch.

Seconds later, Raki was flying into another part of the forest and came to the following conclusion : the power of a woman’s punch is directly proportional to her state of undress.


	11. The woman on the wall

After checking that nothing was broken from his impromptu flight, Raki looked around and saw he had landed at a fork on the path.

To his right, the forest went on as it had, the sun filtering through the branches of the trees, as if inviting him for a walk. To his left, the path was darkened by ominous shadows and the trees, though devoid of leaves, completely hid the sky.

“Do not take the left path, boy.”

Looking up and to his right, Raki saw a high, narrow red brick wall upon which stood a woman.

A tall woman with long blond hair billowing dramatically in the breeze, and whose beautiful face was only marred by a long scar across her eyes. Her outfit however was not very flattering since she was wearing an egg-like costume, from which emerged her arms and feet.

“Okay, I have to two questions. First, how do you know I’m a man if you’re blind?” Raki asked.

The woman only smiled graciously. “I am just that awesome. Oh, please forgive my manners. My name is Galatea, though some people call me Humpty Dumpty.” Galatea then pointed at a much smaller girl Raki hadn’t noticed yet at the bottom of the wall (hey, she was _short_!). “And this is Dietrich the Tracker.”

Dietrich merely grunted a greeting and returned to scowling up at Galatea.

“Right, second question, why are you dressed as an egg?”

“Well, that’s because…” she paused. “Wait, are you telling me… I’m wearing the egg costume? Don’t tell me I’m wearing the egg costume”

“Fine, you’re not wearing the egg costume.” Dietrich replied, not even bothering to sound convincing.

“I’m wearing… the ridiculous… unsexy… egg costume.” Galatea looked like she was breaking down.

“You didn’t know?”

“I’m blind! How am I supposed to know? Dietrich, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you’re that awesome?” Dietrich suggested sweetly. “So surely it’ll take more than an egg costume to ruin your criminally good looks.”

“To hell with the egg costume!” Galatea shouted, still mortified at being caught wearing such a ridiculous suit, and proceeded to correct this injustice.

By ripping off said costume.

Raki immediately looked away.

“Oh come on, she’s decent.” Dietrich snorted.

Tentatively, Raki turned back and saw Galatea now wearing… “A nun’s outfit?”

“Still not sexy enough, but that can be fixed.” Galatea said before ripping off the sleeves of her conservative robes. Then she tore a pair of slits up her full-length skirt. “Alright, now I’m back to my awesome _and_ sinfully sexy self.” As if to prove this further, the breeze picked up a bit, causing her long hair to billow faster, and raising her skirt a little, showing off her insanely long, creamy legs.

“Is she really a nun?” Raki asked.

“She’s just posing as one. Honestly, all she does all day is standing up there, doing nothing except looking badass for some reason.” Dietrich grumbled before turning to Raki. “I had to chase her through the entire kingdom, and where did I find her? Right here, doing just that.”

“It’s not my fault if I’m that awesome.”

“And yet you freaked out when the Rabbit cut off a teensy bit of your hair last time.” Dietrich scoffed. “She lost a couple of bangs, and she was all ‘Oh my hair, my precious hair! Now Anastasia will look better than me’.”

“Damn drill-curls bitch.” Galatea muttered.

###### Author note :

Galatea as Humpty Dumpty was a bit strange. I had initially written this chapter with Rubel instead, until I remembered Galatea’s recent habit of standing on rooftops/hair threads during battles.


	12. Beware the Jabberwock and drinking contests

“Now, back to our original topic, you were about to go into the forest.” Galatea reminded Raki.

Dietrich paled. “Don’t tell me you wanted to take the left path.”

“Let’s see,” Raki recapitulated, “I have a choice between a very nice path on the right, and a completely creepy one on the left. Why would I hesitate?”

“Good call indeed, for the left path would take you into the lair of the fearsome Jabberwock.” Galatea stated.

“Jabberwock?”

“More like Jabber-attention-whore.” Dietrich muttered.

“Beware the Jabberwock, young traveler.” Galatea said. “She was once a beautiful woman, called Hysteria the Elegant, and was a complete attention whore; but one day she transformed into a strange cross between a chicken and a spider, and became an even bigger attention whore, which no one thought possible. She wanders those cursed woods, trapped by their magic, looking for someone who can remove the sword the March Hare jabbed through her throat during a vicious fight.”

“Why can’t she do it herself?” Raki asked.

“She has no arms.” Galatea explained.

“And no, it doesn’t make her harmless.” Dietrich continued.

“How can she eat then? Shouldn’t she have starved to death by now?”

Dietrich spoke in an ominous tone. “She just reduces her preys into a pulp and drinks them instead.”

“Okay, not taking the left path then.” Raki nodded.

()()()()

Somewhere in the forest, Hysteria the Jabberwock threw a tantrum, feeling like she had just been ignored by a hot guy.

“NOT AGAIN! I HATE BEING IGNORED DAMN IT!”

()()()()

“What about the right path? Is it safe?” Raki asked.

“Perfectly safe, don’t worry. The Cheshire Cat dwells there, but she’s not dangerous.”

“Most of the time.” Dietrich added too low to be heard.

“Good, I’ll be leaving then.” Raki said, glad that this encounter had not devolved into insanity.

“You know, you could join us…” Dietrich offered. “I was going to challenge Galatea to a drinking contest.”

“Again? Come on Dietrich, you have never managed to defeat me in any of those.” Galatea smiled. Her expression looked almost… hungry.

“This time I’ll win! And once I’ve won, I’ll unleash upon you all the resentment I’ve built up.” the short woman proclaimed, glaring up at Galatea. She then glanced at Raki. “Or on you, depending if you lose.”

“What? But I didn’t do anything to you!” an alarmed Raki shouted.

“I know, it’s the principle of the thing.” Dietrich shrugged before looking at Galatea again. “I’ll rip off your clothes and tie you to the wooden horse, and then I’ll have my way with you. I’ll use the whip and the paddle and the strap-on and...”

“Keep on dreaming little Tracker, usually it ends up with _you_ under _me_. All sweaty, screaming in both pleasure and pain.” Galatea smirked.

Raki was now trying, and failing, to hold back a nosebleed. And he’d thought they were the most normal people here…

“What do you say young man? If you win, you could get us _both_. Together. Completely. At. Your. Mercy.” the revealed naughty nun offered.

‘Blood… leaving… brain…’

“Of course, if you lose…” Dietrich trailed off.

Raki, who had been on the verge of accepting, ran away, quickly disappearing in the distance. Dietrich’s eyes met Galatea’s unseeing ones.

“Damn!” they both shouted.

###### Author note :

Did anyone else get some _interesting_ images of how Dietrich would ‘unleash her resentment’ upon Galatea? Well, at least that gave me something to use from her. Hysteria ended up as the Jabberwock, and was pretty much ignored.


	13. Nice kitty

“Well, I’m not any closer to getting home.” Raki sighed as he continued his trek through the never ending forest.

“Are you sure you want to go home?” someone asked above him. Looking up, he saw a red-haired woman wearing a long crimson dress sitting on a tree branch. Two tail-like appendages came from below the garment, dangling lazily below her.

The redhead gave him a cunning smile and moved her right hand in a cat-like gesture. “I’m Luciella, the Cheshire Cat.”

Raki eyed her warily. “I’m almost afraid to ask… but you don’t look like a cat. So why do they call you that?”

The grin became _much_ wider, literally splitting Luciella’s face in two, even as her form rippled and expanded. Her dress was ripped to shreds and her body grew and reformed into a gigantic cat-like creature with two tails, triple-jointed legs, two superposed mouths on its face and many, _many_ more spread on its body, all of them showing disturbing fang-filled grins.

“Does this answer your question?” she asked in a deeper voice.

Raki nodded meekly, and Luciella’s body shrank back to her human form.

“ACK!! CHANGE BACK! CHANGE BACK!” Raki shouted, promptly turning away, face red with embarrassment.

“Huh?”

“YOU’RE NAKED!”

“Oh, sorry, my clothes don’t change with me.” The falsely-innocent tone left no doubt of how sorry she really was. “But are you sure? You’d rather see that monstrous form instead of this?” Luciella purred and pressed herself against his back.

“YES!” Raki shouted as he tried to forget the view of her lithe, feline, _naked_ human body, and the unquestionable proof of her natural hair color.

He failed miserably.

“Aww, you’re so cute I could eat you. Figuratively speaking of course. Well, maybe not.”

There were some popping and cracking noises behind Raki, and her changed voice came from above him. Call him crazy, but he’d rather deal with a monstrous cat than a beautiful naked woman.

What was wrong with this place anyway? First the Dodo, then that child running around without a towel, the girl who _lost_ her towel (he blushed at the memory), and now this! Oh yeah, the Rabbit and the Hare were naked too, now that he thought about it. At this rate he’d need multiple cold showers once he got back.

What was next? A loli randomly taking off her clothes?

“Now tell me, why do you want to go home? This place is fun, and you could make many friends here. Mmm, yes, I’m sure everyone would love spending some private time with a nice, polite, good looking young man as yourself.” Luciella purred seductively, which was odd from a monstrous cat-like creature. “Ah you smell so delicious too…” she lowered her head to sniff Raki, and the multiple mouths on her body began drooling.

“What was the last one?”

“Oh, sorry, just thinking out loud.” Luciella apologized and stared at Raki a moment. She sighed in defeat. “Fine, I can tell you won’t change your mind. So I’ll tell you how to go back.”

“YES!”

“But first I want you to do something for me. A little favor.”

“Looking at you, I don’t see what a human like me could do for you.” Raki said as he looked at the obviously powerful being.

“Well, despite how I look, I am still a cat at heart, so…” Luciella actually managed to blush in embarrassment as she made her request. “Could you pet me?”

###### Author note :

Luciella as the Cheshire Cat… She had a very minor part in the manga, and no memorable quirks, but it just seemed so obvious I honestly couldn’t use anyone else.


	14. Arrival at the Queen's

Before being petted into a coma (and it was kind of disturbing to see the monstrous cat on its back, hind legs spread and twitching uncontrollably, and tongues, plural, lolling out of its mouths), Luciella managed to give Raki the information she had promised.

Beyond the forest, past the Queen of Hearts’ castle, laid the way to Raki’s home.

Oh, and watch your guts, she had added.

It didn’t mean that his trip was without incidents as he walked into an argument between two women tossing insults at each other.

“Bobble-head!”

“Piece of shit!”

“Dust-eater!”

“Shithead!”

“You have dirt on your face.”

“KYAH!” the elfin-eared woman broke the argument to frantically wipe her face.

“Ah! I win!”

Raki wisely decided not to get involved. He had a seriously bad feeling about these two.

Finally the castle came into view. It was odd to say the least, since it looked like it was made of playing cards. Huge playing cards. How the hell didn’t that castle crumble at the first gust of wind? And how the hell could he get in? The path he had been following ended straight into a wall, no door or drawbridge in sight.

“Is anyone there?” Raki shouted tentatively.

“Of course there is.” someone said just next to him, spooking Raki to no end. Turning around, he saw a tall man with spiky silver hair, somewhat reminiscent of the March Hare, and a face that screamed ‘pretty boy’. He was wearing regal white clothes with red heart-shaped motifs and red trim, and a crown with three…

“Are those human hearts?” a freaked out Raki asked incredulously. “And they’re still beating!”

“Oops, sorry, wrong crown.” The man changed his headpiece for another crown with three pink hearts that blinked alternatively. “I am Isley, the King of Hearts.” he introduced himself.

“Well, your Majesty, I was wondering…”

The King didn’t leave him time to finish. “Of course, you seek power.”

“Huh?”

“Becoming strong is not that easy. Once you have power, you can lose it again as well. And above all else, you might even need to sacrifice you own life for that power. Do you have this kind of resolve?” In a dramatic display, Isley drew a sword and swung at Raki’s head, stopping a mere inch from beheading the young man.

Raki didn’t move, though it was more because he was trying to understand what the guy was talking about, than manly determination to protect someone precious to him.

Isley failed to notice and nodded approvingly. “Good, you…”

“Your Majesty, I don’t want power.” Raki interrupted tiredly.

“You don’t?”

“No.”

“Not even a little?”

“No!”

“Oh come on! Do you have any idea how many times I’ve rehearsed that speech? How long I’ve been waiting to use it?” Isley looked pleadingly at Raki, who somehow felt bad for him. It felt like he had deprived the King of a badass moment.

“Maybe I should demonstrate my skill.” Isley suggested. “Surely the sheer grace of my flowing moves will convince you. And I’ve been wishing for a gratuitous shirtless scene too, so it’s like, two Awakened with one arrow.”

Raki turned green as the King unclasped his cloak.

Desperate to avoid being flashed yet again, and by a man this time, Raki promptly clarified the reason for his presence. “Actually your Majesty, I would just request your permission to cross your castle.”

###### Author note : 

Next… the Queen of Hearts arrives.


	15. The Queen of Hearts

There was something funny about seeing a fully-grown man on the verge of losing his composure, or the control of his bowels. So Raki, while confused, had to restrain a laugh at the sight of Isley the King of Hearts spooked so badly his face matched his robes.

“No way! Impossible! I can’t allow you through the castle.” Isley denied.

“But I’ll have to make a long detour. Like, ten miles.”

“You can’t. I’d lose my head if you did. Or my guts. Or worse.”

“What could be worse than losing your head?”

“I can’t say.”

“But…”

“NO!” Isley roared. “Do you have any idea of what she’ll do to me?”

“Who’s ‘she’?”

“She’ll braid my hair! No, for this, she’ll want to play horsey! And she’ll use the crop! Without the safety word!”

“The crop?”

“Wait, tell me I didn’t say that.”

“You did.”

“I see. Well then, I fear you know too much and I’ll have to silence you, my sincerest apologies but my reputation of manliness is at stake.” Isley sighed as he drew his sword again.

Raki was about to panic, but thankfully the King was interrupted when the wall of the castle exploded. Dust and stones flew through the air, and Raki saw that the card-like motifs were merely painted on the stones, leaving the illusion that the entire building was made of playing cards.

At least it made more sense. Though now he was merely terrified at who or what could break through a stone wall like it was made of paper.

Through the dust, a small figure came forward, a taller one just behind her. The former was a cute, slim teenage brunette with medium-length hair and chestnut eyes, wearing a plain pale pink sundress, though a small crown adorned her head. She was followed by an eight feet tall, badass-looking bipedal lion with silver fur and eyes.

Upon seeing her, the King’s eyes never left the girl, looking like he was about to wet himself. Which was funny considering both Isley and Raki were head and shoulders taller than her.

“Dear, Priscilla, Honey, I…” Isley started, only to be interrupted by her raised hand.

“Shut up, or I’ll rip off your guts.” she commanded softly, though her eyes remained on Raki, her face blank and emotionless. Then she leaned forward and breathed in deeply. A blissful expression came to her face, like a cat that just discovered catnip.

“You smell really nice.” she buried her face in his chest and breathed in again.

“Huh, thank you?” Raki tentatively said.

“What is your name?”

“I’m Raki, huh, your Majesty?” Raki replied, correctly assuming she was the Queen of Hearts, and from Isley’s reaction, she was wearing the pants.

“Isley?” Priscilla called.

“Yes dear?”

“Are you picking on Raki?” Priscilla asked calmly.

Isley gulped nervously.

“Are you,” Priscilla repeated softly, “picking on Raki?”

“What would happen, if, you know, by coincidence, I was picking on Raki?” Isley asked meekly.

“In this case, your guts… would be ripped off.” Priscilla said softly, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

“Then I wasn’t picking on Raki.” Isley confirmed.

Behind Isley, the lion snickered and made a whipping sound.


	16. Job offer

After discussing things with her king (well, it was more like, the Queen talking and the King mumbling ‘Yes Dear’ in response), the short brunette returned her attention to Raki. Meanwhile Isley excused himself, dragging the snickering lion with him.

“So,” Priscilla said, “you seek to cross my castle in order to return home.”

“Yes, your Majesty.” Raki replied politely.

“SUPERB!!!!” a voice shouted.

Raki blinked at the strangled, completely random exclamation which came from nowhere. Isley then came back, a satisfied smile on his face, his regal cloak stained with purple spots here and there. Raki thought it may have been blood but dismissed it. After all, which creature would have purple blood?

“What was that?” Priscilla asked.

“Nothing Dear. But we might need a new retainer. Rigaldo is indisposed I fear.” Isley smiled.

“For how long?”

Isley’s smile became wider. “Permanently. Oh, I brought you a snack.” he said as he handed her something… fleshy, pinkish, and dripping a purple fluid. Raki didn’t have time to get a closer look as the Queen seized it and ate quickly yet daintily. Her food gone, Priscilla turned to Isley.

“Do we have any possible retainers? Chronos for example?”

Isley blanched. “Please, not him! He creeps me out… always talking about how interesting my muscles are… I swear I saw him checking me out once! Maybe we could ask Ophelia…”

“Ophelia…” Priscilla blinked as if she tried to place the name. “Wait! I remember… OFF WITH HER GUTS!!!” she spun around, trying to spot the person in question and do just that.

“That’s a no I guess.” Isley looked at Raki inquiringly. “You wouldn’t be looking for a job, would you? Food and lodging fully provided, no danger at all, connected to high spheres, flexitime, hazard pay…”

‘If there’s no danger, why a hazard pay?’ Raki thought but didn’t say it. “I just want to go home.” he almost whined. At this point he was tempted to say ‘to hell with it’ and run through the castle, with or without permission, but the Queen would probably rip out his guts if he did.

Priscilla suddenly calmed down. “Sure. You may go…”

“Really? Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Raki hugged the woman, oblivious to decorum and the jealous King who looked like he wanted to rip his guts out.

“… But first, you must do something for me.” she finished, a slight blush on her cute face despite her impassive voice.

Raki deflated but managed to put on a smile. “Of course your Majesty. What do you want me to do? Fight in a tournament? Slay a dragon? Fetch you some rare gem at the top of a mountain?”

“Oh no, none of this. There is something I crave most and haven’t had in ages. So in order to get my permission, you must…”

“Yes?”

“… cook me some guts.”

“What?” What kind of request was that? And why did she want this? Do you have any idea how hard Raki had trained to become a badass fighter, because people laughed at him when he used to say cooking was his hobby? No one ever took him seriously!

“Cook me some guts and if it pleases me, you may pass.” Priscilla explained.

“And if it doesn’t?” Raki asked.

“Then your guts,” Priscilla paused for dramatic effect, a smile forming on her face, “will be ripped off.”

###### Author note :

Yup, Rigaldo was here just so I could slip his famous line, and had no other role in the story. Next chapter… wait, this isn’t Oz, so why is there a Wicked Witch of the West?


	17. The Loli Wicked Witch of the West

“So, all I have to do is cook you a meal and if you like it, you’ll let me go?” Raki asked for confirmation, to which Priscilla nodded. “And if you don’t like it, you will…”

“Rip off your guts.” Priscilla finished.

“Couldn’t we do something else? Like a croquet game instead?” Raki suggested. He really didn’t want to cook. He still had nightmares from last time.

“No. Now answer or I’ll rip off your guts.”

“I REFUSE!!!”

These words had come from neither of the gathered people. Instead a huge shadow was now looming over them. It was an armored, humanoid being which, instead of standing upright, was leaning forward with its weight on its fists like an ape. A much smaller figure, apparently the one who had spoken, was sitting on its shoulder.

“Oh great,” Isley groaned, “it’s the loli wicked witch of the West and her pet gorilla.”

“I’m not a witch!” Riful the western ruler snapped.

“I see you’re not denying the ‘loli’ or the ‘wicked’ parts.” Isley muttered to himself.

“I’m not a gorilla!” Dauf the Gorilla whined.

“Why are you here, Riful?” Isley sighed. “I doubt this is a social call.”

Riful tilted her head and joined her hands in a cutely childish manner. “My, I just heard we had a visitor in our beautiful Claymoreland, so I thought I’d see if we could be friends. And I can’t do this if he leaves, can I?” she said with a bright smile.

Priscilla stared at her blankly. “Riful, your way of becoming friends involves torturing people to make them transform into monsters.” she deadpanned.

Riful bristled at the jab. “That’s rich from someone who thanks people by shoving her hand through their backs with a creepy smile, while giving a weird monologue about how useful they were!” she shot back.

“It’s not my fault. I just can’t help myself.” Priscilla mumbled as she averted her eyes.

‘Note to self : don’t accept thanks from the Queen.’ Raki thought.

“So, can we be friends?” Riful asked Raki expectantly.

“If we can do this without the torture part… I don’t think I’d transform into anything anyway.” Raki replied.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Have you even tried before?”

“I’d rather not.”

“Come on, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” Riful pushed almost pleadingly.

“I don’t know… dying?”

At this moment the Gorilla, err, Dauf spoke. “You’re not gonna dump me, right Riful?” he whined.

“Of course not Dauffie.” the Witch smiled reassuringly, crossing her fingers behind her back, before calling. “Queen? Girl talk, right now.”

Both girls moved away a little and spoke in hushed voices.

“Come on Queen, help me here! I don’t want the cute new guy to leave!” Riful hissed.

“Why? Don’t you already have Dauf?”

Riful snorted. “Yeah right, he’s dumber than a rock, a ‘Wham, bam, thank you ma’am’ guy, not to mention he’s a freaking gorilla to boot!”

“So?”

“Do you know how badly gorillas are hung?” Riful growled as she held her fingers one and a half inch apart. “And that’s his on-duty size.” she added.

Priscilla blinked. “Oh… Well, at least he’s the right size for you…” Priscilla replied emotionlessly, though you could detect a faint smug undertone.

“Easy for you to say, since you got the centaur!”

This time Priscilla stopped pretending and grinned openly. “Hell yeah I did!”

###### Author note :

As if I couldn’t use Riful! Or not make fun of her odd idea of making friends, or Priscilla’s way of thanking people.


	18. Fetch me some guts!

In the end, they altered the deal so Raki would have to meet both the Queen and the Witch’s approval to be allowed to go. If he failed however, he’d keep his guts, but he’d be stuck there forever, and would have to be the Witch’s friend. Raki didn’t have a problem with this since he was pretty confident in his ability.

He still remembered what had happened last time after all.

Then there was a bit of a hassle when Priscilla ordered for some MIBs to be brought. Isley promptly came back, dragging, much to Raki’s horror, a pair of cowering men wearing black suits who were pleading for their lives.

“I can’t cook those!” Raki shouted.

“Why?” Priscilla asked, sounding almost offended. “These are first grade MIBs, only the best.”

“Definitely.” Riful added, eyeing the poor men like pieces of meat, which they were to her. She was even licking her lips and drooling slightly. MIBs from the Queen’s personal reserve… Mmmm…

“Personal reasons… linked to the planetary alignment, the shape of the clouds, and the thermodynamic coefficient of the meat versus the viscosity of the oil moderated by the shape of the pan…” Raki didn’t even care if it sounded completely dumb, there was no way he was cooking people! Besides people tend to listen as long as you use big words and seem to know what you’re talking about.

As expected, Isley, Priscilla and Riful looked at him quizzically but didn’t deny his claims. Dauf simply looked dumb, as always.

“Look at it this way, if I cook with lesser ingredients, it will be more difficult and you have a bigger chance to win.” Raki offered. The two MIBs looked like they wanted to kiss the ground Raki walked on as Isley sent them back to their pen.

The poor MIBs didn’t know Ophelia had come back for some poaching and that they would run into her soon after. But who cares about MIBs? Heck, they don’t even have names, just a letter instead (these two for example had just gone by R and E, instead of Rimuto and Ermita).

“So no guts?” Priscilla pouted.

“Oh no, I don’t mind guts, as long as they’re not MIBs.” Raki replied before adding, “Or humans. Promise me.”

Judging from the way both women deflated, he was glad he had remembered Ophelia did not consider them the same thing.

“Fine, we swear.” Riful conceded.

“Didn’t we receive a fresh delivery of lion guts?” Priscilla asked. “Would those be suitable?”

“Sure, no problem, but…” Raki replied but he was interrupted.

“Actually Dear, you have already finished those.” Isley objected.

“Oh… horse guts maybe…” Riful pondered.

The King took a cautious step back. “You know, why don’t I take Raki to the kitchen? That way he can get himself situated, and it gives you the time to think of something.” Without giving them the time to answer, Isley grabbed Raki and dragged him away into the castle, using the hole Priscilla had blown away earlier. “See you later!” he called as he hurriedly left.

“So, any ideas?” Riful asked.

“Where do we find a supply of fresh guts? Big enough for the two of us, of course.” Priscilla summed up.

“No MIBs, no humans, no lion, no horse… What does this leave?”

The still-present Dauf grunted dumbly in response.

Riful suddenly brightened up “Wait! I know!”


	19. Why Raki stopped cooking

Inside the palace’s very well-equipped kitchen, Raki found himself staring at the huge plate of fresh guts he’d just been delivered. He then turned to the cheerful Witch of the West. “Alright, just to confirm, what are those from?”

“Gorilla.” Riful chirped happily. “You can work with those, right?”

“They’ll be fine… I guess.” Raki mused while rubbing the back of his head.

“Good! Then hurry up so you lose and we can become friends!” Riful giggled before leaving, letting Raki work in peace.

The instant Raki picked the knife, an epic music began playing in the background. Don’t ask where it came from.

***Insert music : Protectors of the Earth by Two Steps From Hell***

Like a man possessed, he proceeded to chop the meat, along with vegetables, slicing, dicing, and mincing. Spices were added, pans clanged, pots were stirred, and Raki laughed maniacally all the while as his mad cooking skills took over for the first time in years. One hour passed like three minutes and then everything was ready.

***End music***

In the dining room, both the Queen and the Witch looked in amazement at the artistic arrangement of guts slices they’d been offered. The mere fumet was nearly enough to send them into sensory overload and they swore heavenly light and angelic choirs were coming from it. Ever so slowly, they took a sample of the masterpiece, crispy to perfection and yet looking like it would melt in their mouth…

Cautiously, Raki placed himself just next to the King, just in case…

Both women’s eyes suddenly snapped open as wide they would go, immediately followed by the most lustful moans ever heard, as if they’d just had an orgasm. In fact the only reason they hadn’t creamed their underwear was that they didn’t wear any.

“OFF WITH HIS PANTS!” Priscilla bellowed.

“GIVE ME YOUR BABIES!” Riful roared, rocketing from her chair just as Priscilla did, like a pair of jack-in-a-box on steroids lunging at Raki.

Yep, just like last time he’d let someone taste a meal he’d created (with bread crumbs!), down to the exact same words. Heck, it was that incident which had convinced Raki to take up swordsmanship instead, considering the person in question had been a man!

Raki’s problem with cooking was not that he hated it, or sucked at it. No, it was that he was just so damn embarrassingly good at it that he could make gods themselves kneel and grovel at his feet!

Luckily this time he had been expecting it and taken precautions.

“ISLEY SHIELD!” Raki screamed, grabbing the unsuspecting King and throwing him at the women.

The instant they collided with Isley, the poor King was under assault, the aphrodisiac effects of the food causing them not to care who they had caught. Immediately both women proceeded to rip off his clothes and began working on their own.

“So, I guess they liked it, which means I can…” Raki speculated.

“Sure, go!” Isley giggled lecherously at the thought of a threesome. He was too happy to feel like he was forgetting something.

“Right, thank you.” Raki stammered before scampering off. He didn’t dare stay any longer lest they got seconds, or asked for dessert.

A howl of pain made him break into a run. Back in the dining room, Isley remembered in horror that Priscilla and Riful were both complete dominatrixes, had just lost their inhibitions and were now going to compare their respective techniques, with him as a dummy… and the worst thing was, they hadn’t given him a safety word!

Thus began the King’s longest day, and night.

###### Author note : 

Yeah, Raki’s cooking skills sent Priscilla and Riful into orgasmic bliss. This was planned from the start.


	20. The Turtle and the Griffin

Raki felt a little guilty at abandoning the King to his fate but at this point, he really wanted to get home. So after exiting the castle, he followed the path he found there, mentally swearing that nothing would stop him.

In fact, he didn’t stop when what looked like the lower half of a female body, severed at the waist, crossed his path. Likewise, he walked straight through a strange construct of thin wires, which had the unfortunate effect of making a beautiful woman with huge drill-like curls fall on him. Said woman immediately shot to her feet and rushed to fix her improbable hairstyle, crying that Galatea would win the next ‘best-looking hair’ competition if she didn’t.

Nonetheless, the ground somehow exploding in front of him did make him stop.

“Oops, sorry.” someone apologized sheepishly next to him. It was difficult to see if it was male or female, due to the bulging muscles on its arms, chest and legs, but it did seem to have breasts. Its hair was short and spiky, and it had a strong, square jaw. “I was trying to crack him open.” It pointed at the hole, and Raki saw its arm had feathers, while its feet were bird-like.

“Please save me.” the thing that had almost hit Raki whimpered in fear. Looking closer, Raki saw it was a large turtle shell, with a small bowler hat where he assumed the head was.

“Come on Rubie-poo, you’re acting like I’m trying to eat you.”

“What you want is worse than eating me, Rachel!”

Okay, Rachel was a woman’s name but Raki had his doubts… Maybe she was both…

“Would having sex with me be so bad, Rubie-poo? How can you resist these?” Rachel the Griffin flexed her arms and struck a pose, which made her (?) look like a bodybuilder in drag.

Raki turned slightly green, while retching noises were heard from the shell.

“Then I’ll pick you and drop you until you fall to my womanly charms.”

‘Don’t you mean, get hit hard enough that he’ll find you attractive?’ Raki thought.

The turtle’s head popped out from its shell, revealing the kind of face you’d love to punch, like some slimy, conniving, smug rat. It kind of reminded Raki of Dae the Caterpillar, only with its face whole and sunglasses.

“Why do you want me anyway?” the turtle asked. “Surely this young man here would be a better victim… err, sorry, mate for you than my scrawny self.”

“What?” Raki exclaimed in outrage. “Now wait a minute Mister Rubie-poo…”

“Rubel. My name is Rubel, the Mock Turtle.”

“Yeah, only I am allowed to call Rubie-poo, Rubie-poo.” Rachel scowled. Then she grinned and glomped Rubel, rubbing her cheek against his lovingly. “Besides you know you’re the only one for me, Rubie-poo. You know that I love my men short and scrawny rather than tall and hunky.”

Raki was very thankful he was no longer short and scrawny. Even more so when Rubel’s shell made cracking noises. Or were those his bones?

“NOOOOO!” Rubel howled before begging Raki. “Please save me!”

Raki might have considered it if Rubel had not tried to paw him off to the she-male. And he really wanted to get home. “To hell with it, you’re on your own.” he said callously before walking away. “Just don’t drop him on me.”

“Will do!” Rachel cheered. “Yipee! Rubie-poo, just you and me! Aren’t you happy?” she giggled as she flew away, carrying Rubel in her talons.

Raki heard Rubel’s screams of terrors and pleas for help, but he never looked back.

###### Author note :

As if I could ever let Rubel escape from Rachel. Also, Anastasia got a small cameo. Next chapter, Raki reaches the exit, but of course a final obstacle stands in his way.


	21. The White Knight

Finally Raki was reaching his goal : the exit of the Claymoreland, a simple cave at the bottom of a mountain, was in sight. How could he be sure? Well, he could feel it in his gut.*

The ten feet high glowing letters saying ‘Claymoreland’s exit’ above it were also a big clue.

Finally, he was going home, away from horny hot ladies, guts-obsessed queens and cooks, and random flashers.

“HALT!”

Of course, there had to be one last hurdle. A figure stood, riding on the back of a huge, odd-looking horse, blocking the entrance of the cave. The rider wore a form-fitting armor of blindingly white metal, which did nothing to hide a female body fit for a goddess. Removing the helmet that concealed her face, she revealed long wavy blond hair and a face which put any woman in the Claymoreland to shame. The faint smile on her lips only served to enhance her beauty even further.

As the helmet fell forgotten to the ground, Raki swore he could hear a choir of cheering fanboys and had to refrain himself from drooling.

“I am Teresa, the White Knight.” the woman introduced herself regally. “And this is my loyal horse, Octavia.” she patted the strange horse on the head. The horse snorted and stood on its hind legs, startling Raki and nearly sending its rider on the ground.

“Sorry, she’s a bit wild.” Teresa apologized.

“Right, no harm done. Look, I’m in a hurry so could I please go through that cave, just behind you? Thank you.” Raki said as he tried to move around the horse and into the cave before something happened.

Something like a huge sword dropping right in front of him and cutting his path.

“I’m sorry but you can’t go.” Teresa replied, her smile never faltering.

“But why?” Raki whined.

“Because the inhabitants of the Claymoreland don’t want you to.”

“But I want to leave!”

“Are you sure? Haven’t you made good friends here?”

“I wouldn’t call them friends. The Cheshire Cat already asked me the same thing anyway.”

“Didn’t you feel appreciated here?”

“The Queen did enjoy my cooking. A little too much.” He shuddered at the memory.

Teresa’s smile fell briefly at the mention of the Queen but she recovered. “See, it wouldn’t be so bad. Please, I’m asking you stay.” She then used her most secret weapon : the Teresa Special Faint Smile™, guaranteed to reduce any man to mindless babbling jelly. It was this smile that had made fanboys cry years after the Queen had beheaded her.

Heck, it was the reason she was here as the final obstacle thrown in by the Mad Writer.

“Sorry but I must go.” Raki insisted, somehow managing to resist her ultimate attack, albeit with much difficulty.

Teresa increased the power of her smile, somehow radiating a mesmerizing aura of pure brilliance, but Raki closed his eyes and mustered all his will. “No, no, no… don’t break…”

***Teresa Special Faint Smile™ 10x power EX combo***

“I… must…leave…” he gritted his teeth.

Teresa stopped her attack and stared at him in disbelief. “What the hell? Don’t tell me I’m losing my touch! Or worse…”

“What?”

“You’re gay, right?”


	22. I'm out of here!!

Raki nearly fell over. Just because he had enough self-control not to be swayed by his hormones and wonderfully beautiful women, she thought he went for the other side?

Somewhere else, Chronos and Lars sneezed.

“I am not gay! Do you have any idea how many nosebleeds I’ve suffered since I’ve been here?” he shouted. As if on cue, his nose began leaking a bit of blood at the memory of his _many_ encounters.

“Then what the hell is your problem? Do you have any idea how starved we are for kindness? How long it has been since an attractive man came here? The abysmal ratio of decent men in the Claymoreland? Do you think it makes us all lesbians? IT DOES NOT! I am Teresa of the Faint Smile, drop dead gorgeous biggest badass in the Claymoreland. Men would be throwing themselves at my feet except there are none around! Meaning I have NEVER GOTTEN LAID! I am NOT passing this chance! So if you want to leave, BRING IT ON! But let me warn you…” Teresa spurred Octavia who stood on her hind legs again, striking an intimidating pose.

“YOU! SHALL! NOT! PASS!” she bellowed.

Unfortunately for her, Raki didn’t wait for the invitation as he took advantage of her rant to treacherously run into the cave while she was so caught up. Ironically, he made it in right as she finished her last line. He had considered trying to startle the horse while yelling ‘GWAH!’ at the top of his lungs, but no one would fall for that, and it’d only make him look dumb, so he went with the ‘sneak discreetly’ option.

Though the ‘I have never gotten laid’ bit made him stumble and almost reconsider.

Almost.

‘To hell with this, I’m out of here!’ he decided in the end.

Behind him, he heard Teresa curse about letting herself get caught off guard. If he had looked back, he would have seen a woman’s torso grow from the horse just behind Teresa, and comment that at least this time she’d kept her hands and head attached.

Then the torso began groping and molesting Teresa, asking if going lesbian would be so bad, even as she nibbled on the Knight’s ear, drawing a moan from the woman, who thought she should visit her old friend the Duchess sometime…

But he didn’t look back, jumping into the darkness. He tripped on something and fell, but there was no ground, so he kept falling, falling, the sound of the whistling wind in his ears slowly replaced by a rhythmic typing sound, like someone was tapping their fingers repeatedly on some instrument yet there was no music.

Then he knew nothing.


	23. And when I thought I was out...

Raki violently jerked awake, only to find himself under the very same tree he had fallen asleep before it all began. He was not alone however, since a brown-haired man with thick glasses was sitting a short distance away, a strange contraption on his lap on which he was drumming his fingers repeatedly making the typing sound he had heard.

"Oh, you're awake." the man greeted. "Must have been an interesting dream, you kept mumbling about 'hot ladies flashing me' and 'DDs'..."

"A dream?" Raki asked.

The man shrugged as he kept typing on his strange device. Raki let out a small chuckle, which soon turned into a full-blown laugh. "A dream!" he repeated. "YES! No White Rabbit, no Dodo, no muscle-bound shemale, no Queen wanting to rip out my guts or my pants, no drop-dead gorgeous Knight needing to get laid!"

"You mean... like those just behind you?"

"Exactly, like those... behind..." Raki slowly turned around, and of course...

"I won, he's mine!"

"In your dream Rabbit!"

"Look, this is how our bodies are like..."

"Damn it Deneve! PUT YOUR SHIRT ON!"

"You must give me that guts recipe! Teach me your art Master!"

"Could you pet me?"

"Can we be friends?"

"Miata, come take a..."

"I hate baths!"

"OFF WITH HIS PANTS!"

... They were all here! Even Rachel the Griffin, chasing Rubel the Mock Turtle in the background.

"No!" Raki shouted. "Wait! This is not possible! It was dream, how can you be... Unless it wasn't... no... no... NOOOOOOO!!!!" Raki howled in anguish. Unfortunately he had no time to flee as he was pounced on. "Help me!" he cried to the strange man who was still drumming his fingers, a mad giggle of glee escaping his lips.

"Just go with it." the man replied. "No what to call you? I'll have to figure that out later."

Looking around, the man found himself alone. Only ten furrows in the ground from gripping fingers remained as proof of Raki's resistance against the overeager female inhabitants of the Claymoreland. He then spoke to no one in particular. "It's been a fun story for me, and I hope you had as much fun reading it. Thanks to all my faithful reviewers for their precious feedback. And before you complain about rape or anything, I can assure you Raki will be very compliant to his fate after his first orgy of mad sex."

With this, Dany le fou, the Mad Writer closed his laptop, performed a stage bow and walked back to the Claymoreland.


End file.
